Friday, June 29, 2007

So shoot me, these days my mind turns to thoughts of euthanasia

It was inevitable.

I believe that I can now officially be called “The Crazy Cat Lady.”

The transformation was not gradual and gentle, as I expected it to be… Incremental ticks and twitches, slow build-up of the smell of stale urine that go unnoticed until one day an old friend who hasn’t seen me in months drops by and comments, “Donna? Medication?"

Rather, it seems that on Wednesday, at about 11:10 AM, a switch in my brain was flicked. At that moment I was no longer “Donna, mom of Liam, girlfriend of Dave, owner of T-2, Eddie and Gryphon.” No. It is clear to me that I am now, “Donna-run-screaming-and spraying.”

As I patrolled the perimeter of my property, water machine gun in hand, I realized that I had become insane! Just like that.

In fairness the transformation started on Tuesday morning, when I returned home from a long weekend at Dave’s place. My neighbour Kathryn fed my three cats while I was gone. And a fourth. A relatively new cat in the ‘hood who's decided that my house is the cool place to hang out. The house to catch a free meal. The house to find a quiet spot to sleep.

This new cat has some strange power over my three. They let him eat from their food bowl. They let him sleep on the blankets they use. But those bastard cats of mine are passive aggressive to the extreme. Somehow, it appears, they’ve decided that I am personally responsible for the intrusion and that although they won’t complain about the presence of Xena, the intruder cat to his face, they’ll tell me after he leaves. By spraying.

When I got home on Tuesday I found my couch had been sprayed. The door of my bedroom. The spare bed in the attic. Liam’s bookcase. A pile of wool blankets.

I called my vet to ask what I could do. Would he put them down? Could I? He suggested I use a water gun to prevent the intruder cat from hanging out in my yard and entering my house. He said that that should curb the inappropriate indoor peeing.

Back to Wednesday morning at 11:10. After I went back inside from my perimeter patrol, I laid my gun down beside my lap top. I got back to work. My mind started to settle. Then I saw Xena in the house. I picked up the gun and started running from the front to the back of the house. Xena ran under the dining room table. I sprayed. He ran onto the deck. I sprayed. He jumped the fence to the neighbour’s deck. I sprayed. And heard a scream of “STOP!!! What are you doing?!!”

I looked up from my rage. What I was doing was soaking Kathryn and her lunch.

I need a vacation away from all these cats. A permanent vacation.

And perhaps some sedatives. Just call me The C-r-a-z-y Cat Lady….